Not a Nice Guy anymore

Not writing in my own language makes me feel secure. I like this sense of protection.

I started to write on the forum of the Nice Guys. I hope this thing will bring positive things with it.

I am starting to enjoy the company of other men and starting to understand how to talk with them.

A thing that I always feel is this incredible sense of fear. Fear of abandonment. I know it is absurd since I am 28 but this is what I feel.

I also I am not very sure of my direction in life. And I also don’t really know what I want.

Sometimes I have this bad emotional bursts of anxiety and fear: I call them emotional flashbacks.

I’d like to be a powerful man. That what I would like to become, someone who is respected and considered by his peers.

I tried to become successful only with just some ideas right now but I never put much effort in them.

I feel like something that is not working correctly in me, I always feel a sense of not being enough. Not being okay for what I am just now and so I have this desire to become very important.

So important that nobody could ignore me anymore.

Yes my family had a lot of problems.

I would like to become a Psychiatrist. Because I understand abandonment very well and I can understand psychiatric patients as well.

My family of course does not want that I do that.

I feel very lonely. But now, thanks to my every day improving social skills I am becoming better and better.

I also have some health issues that always keep my mind busy even if I should not think about them.


Pub with Waine

I had a great time with Waine. He is a 60-year-old guy who is depressed from life like me.

He is teaching me a lot especially in the sexual area. How to flirt, talk and introduce myself to women.

I really think that if I master the relationships in life, if I have good social skill, then I can do everything in life.

The problem is not to not make the others happy, but not to make the others openly happy.

You have not to be selfish and try to focus on the other person, and try to empathize with them.

I went to the pub. I ignored a beautiful woman on my right, she changed position and started talking to me.

I tried to understand how could be to be her. It is energetically expensive to do that, but it works.

I also try to write using the least amount of words possible to get to the point.

Today I had a bad emotional flashback. I start to think about bad things like being alone and desperate forever. And I know exactly what triggers that in me.

Maybe it was just the stress of these two Christmas days, I don’t know.

I’d really find out what to do in life. Who am I the person designated to become. I don’t know it yet.

At the beginning I tried to change the name of this blog multiple times. In reality, it is not a blog. It is a diary. And I should keep it that way.

My focus, by the way, is to have a space where I can freely express myself and where I can talk about my life. Not to become a successful blogger of a commercial topic.

I am doing feelings, not business.

I would really like to have sex. Not having sex is one of the thing that I always missed a lot. I would like to become a pervert if I could. Who knows.

Life’s focus

I spent this afternoon with Waine. He is the age of my father.
I like to spend time with him just to talk.

I used to be stupid in the art of talking because I revealed too many things of myself. I am angry because in school they don’t teach us nothing about real life relationships and you have to figure out how to behave all by yourself.

They don’t teach, as well, how men and women are totally different from each other and sometimes they intimidate me: young pretty women and strong muscular men are at the top of the list.

In order to understand how to behave with men I wrote some posts on ‘Male Only Online Forums’. It worked also in the real life.

My belief is that controlling relationships equals to happiness in life. I put a lot of effort to study successful people.

My father chose the job for me and now I want to get out.

I want success with people both now but also delayed in time thanks to my skills.

When I will come back home I will collect all my written creative material because my dream in life is to write about relationships and how to succeed socially.

Daddy love me please

I want to be loved by my father.

I am also a comedian. I started with improve theater and now I do stand up comedy.  I enjoy a lot to do that.

I listened to a talk show between a comedian and a Psychiatrist about why so many comedians are depressed.

The answer: absent father. And yes it is true.

I had problems with my father. And now I see that I like to do comedy, to write my feelings and I am interested in other people stories.

My destiny is to be loved by my father.

In search…

I cannot sleep. I struggle to choose my correct career choice. I went to America hoping to discover ‘the America’ and in reality I found nothing.

Now I do a shitty job I don’t like at all. I am sick of pretending to be someone else I am not. I’m tired of not being honest with myself and with other people. I lead an existence of lie.

I’d like to live a different life.